Coping Techniques Part 3 - Habits Of Self Care
Let’s talk about self care in a way that maybe you haven’t talked about before. Typically, when we talk about self care images of a day at the spa, face masks, and a bubble bath pop up. Those are great - I love them - but they’re not practical for day to day life, and they’re likely not a staple practice in yours (or mine).
Today, I’m going to share with you my top 3 coping skills for when life feels overwhelming… maybe it’s a season, or maybe it’s just a day. But, all of us experience feeling overwhelmed. I want you to know that for as many times as I read about these 3 skills - for as many people that I heard recommend it - I never used them before this past year. I don’t know if they didn’t click, if I just preferred emotional eating and retail therapy, or if I wasn’t ready for them at the time. But, over the past year I’ve been on a journey towards new levels of mental and emotional health - and these three things have not only been vital, they’ve been the guideposts. Here they are… are you ready? Vigorous exercise and a hot shower, Controlling what you can control, and Boundaries.
Let’s start with the easiest one:
1) Vigorous exercise and a hot shower.
Last spring, I was standing in my kitchen hysterically crying. Fun stuff, I know. I grabbed my phone and texted a friend with a cry for help. “How do I manage these emotions?”, I asked. After a few volleys of attempting to help my friend said words I’ll never forget. She said, “This sounds ridiculously simple, but vigorous exercise and a hot shower.” Something clicked inside me. Maybe you already know the incredible benefits of exercise, but I belong to the part of the population that for whatever reason (and we’ve all got them) shrugged it off. I brush right past “10 Reasons Why Walking Can Change Your Life” or any article like it. Same as I do, right now, with all of the ice bath articles and Instagram posts that are out there. But, that day - in that moment in my kitchen - something clicked. Vigorous exercise and a hot shower? THAT I can do. I can’t fix my life. I can’t change other people. I can’t MAKE certain things different…. But, you know what I CAN do? I can hop on the elliptical machine, then the stair master, then some weights. I can grab my TRX straps and get my heart rate going. I can play racquetball and put every ounce of frustration into my racquet hitting the ball. I can move this energy through (and out of) my body. And, then, when it’s over … when my brain is empty of thought, my heartbeat is racing, and endorphins are flowing … I can breathe again.
“Vigorous exercise, hot shower” became my mantra…. And mantras are a key. Mantras live right below the surface of your brain, easily accessible to pull up when you need them. That moment when you feel super overwhelmed, emotions are running through your body and start to feel a little crazy…. “Vigorous exercise, hot shower”... maybe that means, “go for a walk”. Maybe you have a gym membership and you know that you can go to the gym later that day. Or find something on YouTube to exercise along with. Maybe you’re cranking up the music, blasting 90’s pop hits and dancing in your kitchen til you collapse. It’s not about WHAT you do… it’s about THAT you move your body. Your emotions need a place to go…. Movement regulates your nervous system. It’s science.
2) Controlling what you can control
That leads us right into this one… I feel like all we ever hear about is how control is bad. Or, people who want/need control need to learn to let go. Sure - I get that. However, we weren’t designed to live in chaos (coming from a person who’s a little addicted to chaos… I’m working on it). There’s so much in life that we can’t control… maybe you’re struggling with a kid in your home and there are certain behaviors that you wish that you could wave a magic wand to change. You can’t. You can’t control people… on a good day, the only person you can control is yourself. But, you know what you CAN control? The color of paint on your walls. I’m absolutely serious. You can add oil to the squeaky cabinet that’s driving you nuts. You can control the placement of your couch in your living room. You can control having 30 minutes of the day (come what may) to go for a walk. See where I’m going here?
Here’s what you gain… power, in little tiny increments, just enough to remind you that you’re a powerful person who is in control of your life. Painting my walls last year was the second huge lesson I learned about highly impactful coping skills. In a season where I was feeling overwhelmed with my life, painting my walls brought me back to the present. Bonus points…for that one in particular, you have to move your body to paint your walls. (Disclaimer: I’m not telling you that you need to paint your walls…. but, I’ll go to the store with you to find some paint if you want me to.)
Second mantra: “I can’t control X but I can control Y” This one gets your brain moving - looking for possibilities.
3) Boundaries
Third thing that changed my life this year… I placed a physical boundary in my space. This deserves a blog post all on its own - so, that’s what we’re going to do. But, y’all… hear me when I say that knowing how to set and enforce a boundary might be the hardest and most important skill of them all…. especially if you’re reading this as one of our foster or adoptive caregivers. Boundaries are LIFE.
And, if you’re reading this and you’re like “that’s a lie… boundaries are mean”... gosh… I understand where you’re coming from! In many ways, I’m still right there with you today. But, I’m learning so much about this right now, and it’s such a life changing skill that I couldn’t write this post without talking about it.
In its simplest form - a boundary is like a fence with a gate, and you are the gatekeeper. There are 1,000 good books on the subject, and we’ll talk about this at length next time. But in the meantime, you can grab Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa TerKeurst or The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban … let me know what you think of them!
Til next time, friends.
-Rebecca
