How to Get Unstuck

I was recently browsing through a local bookstore in Brighton, Michigan when I came upon a daily meditation guide by Kate Bowler called Have a Beautiful Terrible Day. Flipping through it, you can find meditations on “when you’re missing a loved one” or “for when the dishes are piled up high” … the meditations are beautiful, practical and life giving. I bought it on the spot. 

Wouldn’t it be great if life itself had a book like that?

We could flip through the pages… skimming through “for when life throws you a curveball” “for when you experience the perfect vacation with kids” “for when you don’t get your dream job” and land on “for when you find yourself saying, ‘it’s not supposed to be this way’” (That’s the title of an actual book, by the way…)

We could find all the advice we need. Follow a simple step by step process and then magically pivot from the life we thought we’d have to the life we actually do have.

Ahhh…. If only.

I was on a podcast the other day and the host asked me if I had any advice for parents… and I was struck by my simultaneous amount of advice and also knowing that no… I don’t. I can only tell you what works for me on my best days.

It’s the same here. 

If you’re finding yourself in a season where you have to let go of beautiful, imaginary stories in exchange for the one you’re actually living… here are three things that work for me on my best days.

1.Name the monster underneath the bed.

This thing that you’re struggling with.. It has a name. Name it! My dream in life - for all of my formative years - was to be a history teacher in Michigan. I am not a history teacher. I do not live in Michigan. When I compare my life with that dream… that still exists inside of me… all I think is “it’s not supposed to look this way.” In a much deeper way, I have a beautiful story in my head that parents should want to live in relationship with their adult children. I do not have parents that want that. When I look at my daughter dancing so beautifully on stage, and I look at the empty seat next to me… that grandparents should be sitting in (according to my beautiful story)… a wave of grief threatens to swallow me whole. 

Name it. Then say, “The story I’m telling myself is….” Bringing awareness to our stories is always the first step. What story are you telling yourself? 

2. Practice falling deeply in love with reality.

This one takes time. It comes right after “the story I’m telling myself”... and it involves taking stock of what’s around you, right now. What do you have that’s right here in the middle of “it’s not supposed to be this way”?

My world got really small after 2020. Smaller than it's ever been. Smaller than I think it should be. The story I told myself, often, is that I’d been abandoned by the people I loved and trusted most in the world. Two years into that story, I learned about naming things and falling in love with reality… I’ve spent the last two years actively practicing this skill. Now, on my best days, I know that I am not alone. Because in addition to naming my story, I also name my reality. I name it, and I let myself fall in love with what is. In the same way, I’ve spent the last 7 months sitting with my dream of becoming a history teacher.. and the reality that I am not one. Naming the story… and naming what is, “I’ve spent the last 5 years building a non-profit that is changing lives. I love my work.” 

3.What’s the thing underneath the thing? 
I’m reading a book right now called Living Fearless and it’s giving me so much to think about. In the first chapter of this book the author, Jamie Winship, talks about identity vs profession and not getting locked into believing that what we do is who we are. This is the thing-underneath-the-thing for me when it came to feeling so stuck that I’m in my 40’s and never became a teacher. I was mixing up profession with identity! Teaching in a classroom is a profession…being a person who leads others into deeper knowledge and understanding so they can do the work set before them is an identity. I can take that with me wherever I go… and in fact, know that i’m going to find a way to do that wherever I go, because it’s my identity. 

I didn’t get here by wrestling with my story or my reality though. I got here by the practice of naming and then waiting with open hands. Being honest about where I was on any given day, and trusting that Life guides us where we are meant to go. Even now, today, as I write this blog I’m practicing this. I’ve never put an identity statement in writing like that. I’m trying it on for size. Maybe it sticks, maybe it doesn’t… but knowing the thing-underneath-the-thing helps us release the beautiful story we’re holding onto. 

What’s the thing-underneath-the-thing in your story? 

4. Bonus… Because who doesn’t like a bonus?

 I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… control what you can control, and let go of what you can’t. Get really specific about those things. I’ll help you with this one… you can’t control other people, on a good day, you can barely control yourself. 

Getting unstuck isn’t easy… and it’s not straightforward. I could’ve mentioned so many other great tools to use… like “some beautiful stories need to be fully grieved in order to be let go… and you have to do that before you can fall in love with your current reality.” 

But, these 3 (plus the bonus) will get you started.